Second Thoughts

It’s been another long stint without an entry. This year, one of my resolutions was to write a weekly blog post. We are in February, but I am guessing better now than never. The last time that I had a dry spell, I attributed it to lack of time. Trying to leave medicine, start a business, and parent multiple children was consuming all of my waking hours and some of my sleep hours as well. It has not gotten any better. If anything, I feel even more overwhelmed with my daily task list. As a matter of fact, as I jot down these words, intrusions from my to do list keep bombarding my train of thought.

The startup has taken a life of its own. The tasks consume time and the learning-from-scratch situation eats up all my cerebral bandwidth. Not only do I have to learn about new things encompassing multiple domains of business and technology, I also have to learn how to work in this arena. I suspect not many people who are switching careers have considered this variable in the time-suck equation. Often times, the workflow one has been accustomed to in the previous career is entirely different than the new one – medicine, for example, has only one workflow: See the patient → write a note → insert orders → do procedure → complete billing. That’s it. All day, every day. There is no Notion, or Slack, or SOPs, or QMS or spreadsheets. So yes, I would be forgiven if I attributed my latest dry spell to being busy, or physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted. I would be lying, however, if I did not mention what I suspect is the real reason behind not writing for a while. 

I was afraid.

I did pick up the pen multiple times, but I could not get myself to start putting words together. I was afraid the words would come out descirbing the same sad situation my previous entries were portraying; burnout, disgruntlement, and darkness. Reading back, I suspect that these posts were made in the initial stages of my grief. I don’t want that anymore. I do not wish to be that person. I needed to hit rock bottom, but I have no interest in spending a lot of time there.

There was another fear – second thoughts. Do I really want to do this? I am now at the stage where there will be no turning back, and where every decision I make can impact the lives of the people: company employees, medical extenders covering my practice, and my family. those second thoughts are real. I was afraid they would come out in my journal, and would make me doubt my journey.

I now have accepted that these thoughts are real, and they are an integral part of my journey. I am not afraid of them anymore. I want to embrace them and let them be a part of my growth.

So, onwards we go. Let’s do this.

B. nerdicus